Intentions and Actions
Where interpersonal relations are concerned I have always been a little slow to understand what is happening; probably because I am caught up with things about myself. What I am saying is that I have trouble seeing the whole event because I am too self-centered. Without conscious awareness of everything that could be involved I make bad mistakes in judgment. Sometimes there are incidents contributing to the situation that cannot be known to me, but more often than not I am taking a view of the situation to see how it affects me. By taking that type of view (ego-centric) of the situation, I am missing the whole picture. I am lacking in humility. When I am slow and ego-centric in social life, I can get angry at what happened long after the event and take it out on someone else. Too often that someone else is family. Because I am too ego-eccentric, I may misunderstand what really happened; think I was wronged when that is not the case.
Just because someone else is an ass does not make it alright for me to be one also. A simple example is when I am driving and someone cuts me off. They have been an ass. If I start letting them know how big an ass I think they are, then I am an doing the same thing as them; being an ass.
The attitudinal situation of the first paragraph was hard for me put into words. It is extremely hard to see it in myself. It is even harder for me to bring about change from the reality that I have lived in so long. The beginning of change would be to start to try. That is quite simple, but not fast. Finding ways to deal with the anger that has cropped up in me without passing it on to someone else is the first step and quickest way of trying. The second, which takes longer and is better, is to develop humility; the ability to look at the situation in a less self-centered way and let them be who they are, an ass or whatever.
In the instances that I do not pass on that aggressiveness, anger, or any foul mood, then I am creating good. There is one big problem; I am human. There are times when I am not capable of not passing it on. If I get angry with myself when I pass it on then there is more angry pain inside of me. Anger is very painful for me. Resentment is anger revisited, so it is very painful for me. I do not like pain. Many times when I was younger I would be relating to my parents my anger over what someone had done to me. My mother would say that you have feel sorry for the person that acted the way they did. I would never tell her, but I would think, “Feel sorry for them after they did that to me? Maybe you can but I can't.” Today I understand that to do what they did, they had to be in pain. The reason I understand is that the times I have done things that would cause pain to another, I was in pain. If I had not been in pain I would not have been capable of the actions I took.
If I just start by trying not to pass on pain and then search for ways to grow in that ability then I am doing good.
** google images